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Dan

Dan

Dan

Dan

Dan

Do you er

Oh that's lovely

That's first class

That is superb

I'm afraid I have no sheaths

Actually, being your age and everything, there's probably no need for them

Do you mind if I talk?

I'll be honest, I'm dead against it

Only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok like

Aye

Um, so what did you see in Bangkok?

I saw the Golden Temple man, beautiful it was

Er, there's a market...

Tell me about the Ladyboys

They're disgusting, I kept away from them

Fascinating creatures though

Looks like a lady, but really it's a man

I don't find them attractive, it's just confusing

Any messages?

No

No, he never does

Sorry, bit of a joke there, it backfired

Afraid so

Third time

I'll level with you, I'm really scared

Scum, sub human scum

In fact, I think I'll go

No, stay, don't go

Do you really?

I think it's the best idea in the world

Uh

I ate a scotch egg

I thought it would have broken down by now, but I think I'm slightly constipated

It's surprising really, considering the circumstances

Pretty much, yeah

No

No way you big...

Massacre, ew, not playing that again

Morning Mr Partridge

Bit of a job for you

Unfortunately, some vandals have sworn all over my car again

Vandals Mr Partridge, makes me wonder what it's all aboot

Aboot?

What?

That was just a noise

And a broken home is not an excuse for evil

I was in the army when I was 1

Well there you go, they taught you a trade

What like three men burning in a tank?

I'll be honest, I'm pretty curious

R E O Speed Wagon

Um

1,230 to 12

Crab sticks do not actually contain any crab

And from 1993, manufacturers have been legally obliged to label them 'Crab Flavoured Sticks'

Would you go out with me if I was younger and more attractive?

Yes I think I probably would

It's er, it's mine

I know you're a DJ, but I've heard your show

I've got a broad taste, from the Brit pop bands like UB40, Def Leppard, right back to classic rock like Wings

Tough one

Frank Sinatra

Someone should have told him

Why, were they not very good?

Bang and Olufsen

You regularly book, don't you?

Do you do that with your boyfriend?

Right, you book alone?

What do you do on a boat alone?

Read a book, relax, look at the scenery

No, she sounds weird

Alright Chris

Hello Alan, didn't know you'd moved in

I'd love to

Do you mind if I bring my guitar?

I love 'em

Oh forget it

Aqua

Which is French for water

You blonde bastard, from the future

As I see it, God created Adam and Eve

He didn't create Adam and Steve

I didn't quite kill him, that was the tragedy, I had to go back and kill him with a jack

Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro

Um

It's a buildup of fatty deposits just above the belt line

Alan, I want you back on the telly

Listen to this, it'll blow your socks off

OK, there will be no telephone Cluedo today

Because of a threat of a court injunction

I got really drunk last night, I was sick everywhere

I'd love to have it off with her

Hrgggh, sex

Why do birds?

Suddenly appear

Why do, why do

Yes please

Rolled on the thighs of a virgin

Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here

I didn't want to be sick in the road

He got scared and ran away

And I'm an innocent bystander

To me it looks like traffic cone theft

King Road

Ten

I'm going to go home and just probably go straight to bed, and keep out of trouble

When the boat comes in

Aye

Let's get back to cock a doodle who

Cock a doodle who

Who invented the skip?

Tongue, who eats tongue for goodness sake? Imagine a tongue sticking out a sesame seed cob

Hello, have you got a brain or is your head just full of s...

Moo

I'm 43 you cheeky git!

Hello, I've just swallowed a load of anthrax, and I'd like to let off like mad in the club bar. Can I come in?

You do know who I am?

Huuueee

Lynn I've pierced my foot on a spike!

Hello, Dante Fires, just through there. Oooo you're going to have a good time

Lynn, you couldn't present a cat

And then I'll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottom

You can stop giggling or I'll take down your particulars

Bird noise

It's hotter than the sun

I'll get him later

Properly policed, it must not turn into an all night rave

Go to London, I guarantee you'll either be mugged, or not appreciated

Look at that, not even listening

Let's forget about all this

Monkey tennis?

Yes, it's an extender

Aqua

Has this kitchen been distressed?

Ah come on

Bang out of order

Bash your arse

Best full English breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding

Battery for an Ericsson?

Best valentines in eight years

Big girls bras

Boys are back in the barracks

Bingbangstickitin

Bugger

Call her a fat cow then hang up

Camp hello Alan

Can we talk about me

Cashback

Conman

Clean license

Cooking in prison

Alan's Deep Bath - Brought to you by Dettol

Do you deny that

Do you like owls?

Establishedthat

Few too many blacks

Fingerprint a sausage

First class

Footlikeatractionengine

Forget it

Gadzooks

Gland

Haha oh no haha

Hot topic

I have popped out again

Inner city sumo

It's brilliant

Jackanack

Kissing me or cock

Kiss my face2

Lady shapes

Lager gt baileys

Letsstartwithsomepetting

Looks like lady really man

Monkey tennis

Mousse from a bowl

Ooh I would like to kiss her

Peoplefromstoke

Peephole pringle

Piercedmyfoot

People in wheelchairs fixed

Ping

Poshsod

Rogerwithsonja fixed

Ruddy hell its soft cell

These are sex people

Shit

Something all over my whatever

Striker

Strange questions

Suck my suchandsuch

Swallow

Suecook

Alan Partridge